From my experience, having grown up in a dysfunctional alcoholic toxic original family, what that led me to do was to choose similar dysfunctional alcoholic toxic men for partners. It was familiar; it was what I knew.
Now, going on three years out of my marriage to an alcoholic verbally abusive rageful man, I can recognize what in me chose him and why it seemed so familiar, and I am healed so much that I will never choose someone like him again.
So, it may be that your toxic childhood led you to CHOOSE a toxic man, who, now that you are healing, needs to see YOU as damaged and borderline.
My psychiatrist once told me that dysfunctional families and their mindsets are families with rubber walls. They may toss you around and whack you on the walls, but they never want to let you go outside those dysfunctional walls; those rubber walls just keep you bouncing around within their control.
They need you to keep playing your dysfunctional part so they can blame you and deny their own dysfunction. They want you to doubt yourself and believe them so that you stay within their destructive emotional games. Their identities are formed around projecting out the bad parts of themselves onto you. They won't let you go without a fight, and gaslighting is just one technique among many.
They say there is no honor among thieves, and I think similarly that abusive people, (some alcoholics among them) will say and do whatever they think works to keep you enmeshed with them, to doubt yourself and believe them, and to dominate and control you.
You are beginning to do the most scary thing of all: to think for yourself. You are chosing emotional health, and that terrifies them because they don't want to change. If you're interested, I wrote a lot of posts about dealing with stuff like this, and you can search on my name to find them.
You are growing, you are healing, you are moving forward; more power to you!!
ShootingStar1