auroraxborealis

Feeling down.

Warning. Long. Word vomit.

I'm not sure if I'm just lonely, or what, but I've been in more of a "funk" than I have been over the last few months.

I'm sure everyone is tired of my self-induced Facebook drama, but I saw X's niece post a picture of X's new gf (finance?) with cake smashed in her face. I guess it was her birthday. X's dad's wife does that to everyone--smashes a piece of cake in the face of the birthday boy/girl. So the niece captions it something like got the cake smash, now [she]'s part of the family.

I know I do this to myself because I check FB and I could block his family, but his niece has been pretty neutral. I didn't seek the post out or anything. I even appreciated a post that the gf made in defense of the niece a couple weeks ago. But this made me really upset. I usually check my FB in the hallway on the way to the restroom, and when I got in I saw myself in the mirror. My whole chest was broken out red and even on my face. I'm quite pale, and I know I blush and flush, but I hardly get to see myself in that state. Quite frankly, it freaked me out to see the physical reaction I had to it.

I know that niece's friendship with the gf has nothing to do with me, and it doesn't mean there's any change in our relationship, but I still feel like this girl has taken over what I want to be mine. She's got X and his family, and she's doing things I never got to: she had him move in, she's got him calling her daughter his step-daughter, she got to spend Christmas with him, and now she's getting cake smashed in her face.

My brain says it has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. But my stupid heart won't listen.

I did get to chat with his older sister tonight. She's the one that doesn't get along with him so well, and the one whose kids I had for a bit to keep them out of the system. She said she totally understands how I have no one to talk to, because they either don't get it, or are his family. (And my two best friends either have a 1-month old girl or are delivering a baby girl sometime today. So yeah, those two are preoccupied and don't care about my whining.) The sister said she went through the same thing with her older kids' dad. She also said she sees how he sometimes hooks up with people who he wants to "help" but at the same time ones who help him. I know, and I see. He's always the first to offer up help to someone, even if it takes away from him, but he also uses other people. She also said she was glad we're broken up now, and not years down the road. And she thinks I can do better. What a shame that his own family says that. She's not the first.

I just feel really ashamed that I feel like I did 8 months ago, and I'm nowhere near getting over X. He dumped me the end of June 2014.


On the bright side, I've been "working out." Ish. I started swimming last fall because Al-Anon didn't meet until three hours after I got off work and I needed something to do with the in between time. I have to confess I stopped the Al-Anon, but I kept the swimming. At first it was a whole hour I had nothing to do but yell and scream at X in my brain, and just to think with no outside stimulation or distractions. No phone, no computer, no TV, just me and my head. Scary! (I also used to do that in the car, but now that I'm down here for work, my mom's riding with me to and from work and that time to myself got infiltrated. And there's only like 40 miles of road here, soooooo... No long drives for Aurora down here.)

Anyways, on Sunday I didn't feel like swimming but I didn't want to sit around so I drove down to the lakes and took a walk along the bike path. It's almost 1.5 miles. I actually went in my boots and got a blister, so I picked up a pair of sneakers. Pink ones! (Oh, and actually managed to say NO to the expensive pair, and got some one sale! Usually store employees make me feel guilty into buying what they recommend, which is usually the expensive option.) I went again Monday, and tonight it was too dark so I just walked around the courtyard of my apartment complex for the 1.5 miles.

I've mentioned before--I'm pretty overweight. 5'3 and 248 (god, that feels awful to type for people to see!) but down from my highest weight of 293 a few years ago. Hopefully I can stick with this "getting off my butt" thing. And I'm really trying not to take the elevator at work (4th floor) except in the mornings after walking up the hill from the parking garage. Today it was 32 floors! When I get back home I'm sure I'll still be swimming because I've got my cousins on it too, and when it's warm enough I can hop in the lake for free. And anyone can walk anywhere.

I know I have a long way to go, but it's nice to have some time to myself. I just put my music on shuffle and go. I know that its probably not great to use the time and think unhappy thoughts about X, but at least I'm doing something productive with my body. That makes more sense in my head than it does on the screen.

Ok. Not sure why I post this, much like most of my other posts. I guess if I type it, I can't forget about it later.

I just don't know how to move forward. Another poster said she had trouble accepting a glowing work review. I'm kind of in the same spot. My work is going wonderful, but I keep feeling like I'm doing something wrong. My boss even said she needs to find a way to keep me around (my job is only through April) to my mom. And I told my barber this (X's dad) tonight and he said, well yeah, of course they do! (Oh, yeah... I talked to him too. Just called for a phone number and checked to see how my work was going).

Oh, and X's celly from jail sent me a Valentine's card that I just got forwarded to me today about how great of a friend I am and how it's hard to come by someone like me.

It's like, all these people can tell me how great I'm doing at something, or how good of a friend I am, but all I can think of is how this ONE person just totally abandoned me, seemingly without a second thought. What's wrong with me?! I know I'm a great person, but I want him to know that too. UGH

Ok. Vent over. Wowwwwww sorry this was long. Yikes. Time for bed.