Thank you all so much for your encouragement...I didn't feel strong...and give myself lots of grief (always have) but with my recovery program and particular through the past 2 years here...and back in therapy...and not letting my boundaries around minimum self care be pushed down by refusal to let me see a doctor to re-evaluate my meds & having to ask for every peso (when I went to Chile with him to 'start over' but it got worse), and now no money given (in Chile he took control of all property, money from property, jobs...after 38 years of a common acct)--and resumed drinking with all his friends...hate to say it but the stereotype of a latin male...but was impossible to ignore anymore and got worse...that was the part that scared and scares me...it gets worse.
Am so comforted to know that I am seen by others to be making progress...it doesn't feel like it but I get up every day and do what I am asked to do...and my meds re-eval from Nov on has kicked in...now just need to remember to not get so stressed as to forget to take the meds...that is self care...and after a bed day yesterday...will continue with my list of things that need to be addressed now...can't afford to move out...no where to go...job search is on-going...every day...and my program has to come first...realize that when it doesn't...even for a day...I go downhill.
You helped me a lot in opening up the thread today...it is proving hard to get a job...but not for lack of working on it...and that is self care as well...so don't lose the apartment if I can affect that.
Sending you all blessings...I needed support...however, have come to not expect much...or any...in almost all of my hard situations...I love my loved ones and didn't want them to suffer...unfortunately...in family of origin (except when Dad became sober after a massive stroke--yes, I helped mom and worked and took care of family; when he passed...mom cut me off immediately with my sister who I also took care of all my life--but that is in the past...thank you God).
Your support on this thread means so much more than my language can even express...my heart is filled with gratitude.