irisgardens

Yesterday was so hard...

I worked and then after waiting in SF for husband to pick me up...1 1/2 hrs...was so cold took public transport home...and told it was my fault. Was stilled chilled when I got home at 7 after leaving work at 4. Between the two left in my household...husband and son (20--so is adult)--the selfishness and unwillingness and the lack of willingness to help me out with any of the finances...and a lot of other things...it is a personality pattern...I cracked with the stress.

Neighbors called police due to the argument; the good part is that when police came and talked to me...they told me that I have done too much for too long and it is clear that 'they' are not going to do more than take advantage (it is hard to admit this of my youngest child...but he has always been this way...anger issues...and the disrespect and siding with Dad (in the place where I am the only one paying the bills and working to get forward for the household--and I have learned to see the manipulation and so he is 'with Dad' which makes it very hard...it is like bullying (& yes, he was a bully to weaker and younger when younger)--gave him lots of learning disability therapy for his ADHD but now he charms those he can't bully and is passive with me...or tries to bully...it is heartbreaking. He thinks drinking is cool...because Dad has done it all Dad's life (since 16). I kicked him out when he came over last year and was drunk...I don't allow drinking or drugs in my home...haven't for many years...my Father drank in the home...and it ca

Police were an unexpected source of support (first time ever in my 60 year old life this has occurred) as they said it is clear that I am 'the most squared away person in the bunch and working to make things better and move forward'...suggested that 'they stay out of the apartment for the night' and they made arrangements with one of the 3 adult children I have in the town I raised them in...who turned me down the time I asked and have made it clear I am not welcome (I am adjusting...just a vent there). The officer was quite nice and told me that I need to be more 'selfish' about taking care of me...and as that is what the Doctor's have told me at my facility since June as well...and of course here...I love SR...I went to bed with kitty cat and slept very well.

They undertstood that it is hard to pay all the bills when there is no contribution from the 'roommates' as I would no longer call this a home...that left when husband forfeited the house in his business failure in 2009-2010--but apparently he had been failing for many years before that...just didn't tell me until it was too late.

Well, the 4 days work was good...now have to get another gig--turning all over to my higher power (god to me) and grateful to not be unbalanced from the stress (literally not able to walk straight) as much as last night. I have told my son that he can leave if he can't find his way clear to be a contributor...although I always paid for things...it was because I had a job and savings...and that is no longer the case.

Yesterday told husband that since he has chosen not to honor his agreements about what 'we' would do to get through all the financial failures and 'start over'...from 2010 and before...and that all the money is gone including the last 4 construction projects he did in Chile...he is either getting sued on or was reported for not paying taxes...that I simply can't 'do it' anymore...and that he is going back in a week and will stay for another month...has plans but will not share...and has another 'deal' going to which I am not privy (ok by me...it is time to cut the cord) and also that he has chosen to do this against my wishes, and totally different than every promise he had made before he went last April...I just cannot do it anymore...the policeman told me that I need to get his name off the lease...so will add that to the 'to do' list and pray it over to God for timing, etvc.

Life is complicated...so am just resting today...have an orientation for a consulting job on Thursday but had to ask my son to borrow car as husband got my car impounded (it was a beater...but it worked)...due to him driving with a suspended license and stealing a DMV sticker from a car to not get caught for registration...he is a life-long drinker...so I am just over it...it was stupid...car is gone and if son says no to loan...have more things to do...but so far...this morning...I have the car for a few errands and husband made it clear it is between son and myself. So I just asked politely and told him it was his choice, but that if the answer was no...I would need to talk to Landlord and to give notice...as there is not enough for all.

Living one minute, hour, day at a time...I am working to focus on the recovery and not the feelings of shame and guilt (which therapist told me were not necessary...and to just do what I need to do now). Right now, learning to post my time into the online timesheet.

Am not looking forward or back (too much) as it is too painful. We live in a smallish town...for CA--and have lived here for 28 years...the policeman respected that...it helped a lot. Crying this morning...but still walking and moving forward. I did call the police several times when daughter who used crystal meth was acting out...for 8 years...it was awful...they were good to me then as well...then Dad and older son (younger son was still in the 10 and under stage) 'hid' in the bedroom after insisting I call....they haven't changed just gotten worse.

Went back to a prayer posted in my steps work over a year ago...and read it. I hope that there is hope for me...and that working my program and continuing to work the steps will help...I can see have made steps...but in doing so...just seems like it gets worse and worse...and I am so tired of all the chaos and lack of healthy relationships with family. My mind wants to blame me...but I know that I am working this program and have been.