I was not able to tell my AH that I loved him either and it would not have changed anything for him, but it would have helped me. I loved my husband but I hated the monster that it turned him into. We had a great marriage for 8 wonderful years and then he made a choice to drink and drug again and the disease took over. Once our oldest sons were diagnosed with a fatal disease I knew he would blame his drinking on it and, of course, me. I can see the only way AH was ever going to get well was to die. I miss the good guy and I will always love him. My best wishes to you -- you will have good and bad days. I still cry about AH and what we had that he threw away every so often and I probably always will. He was a great guy that had a horrible disease he was unwilling to overcome. He worked AA on the outside but never the inside where the hard work was.