Yes, I've gotten back into Al-Anon. It helps a great deal. I have to learn to go with the flow and just accept what I feel. But I must admit, I'm getting worn out from so many feelings, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night and experience such a heaviness or an unease (somewhat like anxiety). I feel physically tired from all the mental "activity."
I look forward to a time when I can have relative peace and acceptance about my husband's death. And the guilt crops up when I think I should have told him one last time I loved him. Would it have gotten him sober? No, I don't think so. He was too far gone. It's as if I never really knew him because he held in so much.
I don't regret leaving when I did. I was getting too crazy and sick from all the lunacy of the addiction. My husband was losing his humanness and turning into nothing more than a drinking machine.
I think that is why my moods swing back and forth. I loved the good man and grieve for him, but I hated the drunk man who I didn't recognize. It's hard to grieve any death, but if he had succumbed to cancer or diabetes or heart disease, I could have kept it in perspective. But at some point in time, he could no longer choose not to drink. But he did have a choice before that occurred. And he simply chose to continue down the wrong path.
I know he was self-medicating, but I was never sure from what. He had his demons and he couldn't divulge them to me.