I am new here but just had to comment on your post. My husband died last March and I feel everything you are feeling. I love him and always will. He was my best friend and I am sorry the he chose the path he did and we lost the happy life we had. He was a wonderful guy and became a horrible monster that only lived for getting drunk and high. His drinking buddies even quit hanging around him because they told me he was too out there. He gave up a loving wife and children for nothing. I am sorry that you are going through this too.