Grief versus guilt ... how do I keep my perspective???
I had to pick up a lot of my husband's belongings today. Mostly photos of us together on vacations, and a few other very personal belongings I wanted to keep for myself.
On the long drive home, I felt such profound loss. Not only loss of his life and his willingness to give into the addiction, but the loss of the life we could have had. I don't know if it's right to say I'm angry at his willingness to give into the addiction but an inability to pull himself out of it. I don't know, because I'm not an addict.
I simply cannot comprehend the process. When I realized I was going into that realm, I kept repeating the Serenity Prayer.
But I need experienced voices to help me along this path. I miss him. I loved/love him. My heart is broken. I think that is normal grief.
Please help me to keep myself from wandering into the realm of self-pity or making him into something like a hapless victim.
He was loved by family and friends and was a genuinely kind man. But, a part of me is very angry that he chose such a selfish, and what I consider a cowardly way to check out of life's problems.
And, what makes this sound like an oxymoron, my husband was NOT a cowardly man. He was brave in many ways. But he was so lost and confused about what was going on in his life.
He died never realizing his life was a mess due to his alcoholism. I don't even think he realized he WAS an alcoholic.
Damn this disease.