Thank you so much to all who took the time to respond.
No, I have never gotten support where AH was concerned, particularly from his family. They had a real it's-not-our-problem stance. So I was left to handle it alone.
People have every right to their opinions. If I come across as negative or defensive, it's a result of the walls I built to protect myself from more rejection. I tend to anticipate it before it happens, after going through it so much.
I'll take what I need and leave the rest.
I think I'm pretty much done dealing with the mess he left. Right now, I have to learn to accept that I will never make sense of the insanity of alcoholism.
I cannot fathom living in filth and squalor like that. It appears AH lived on cigarettes and boxed wine (with some bottled wine thrown into the mix) the last month or so of his life. The coroner told me my AH weighed 80 pounds when the autopsy was performed.
I had finally made peace going no contact. Several months ago, I could honestly say to myself, "I wish him well." I went through so much trauma living with the disease for so long. And to see where he spent his final days ... well, the feelings of anxiety, depression, and overall unease are back.
The only way through this is through this. I have committed myself to working a strong Al-Anon program once again. I realize, just like the alcoholic, if I let my recovery slip I will go back down into that dark rabbit hole.
Again, thank you so much to everyone who responded and those who PM'd me. I'll be back for support soon.