Originally Posted by
Butterfly 
i suppose for me, we were great when the occassions drink didnt play a part in our marriage
Almost every single one of us can say this EXACT same thing Butterfly. My marriage was great without the alcohol playing a part too.
(((((hugs))))) I hate to see you spinning in circles like this but I totally agree with SparkleKitty that you have to WANT to get better.
It sounds like you are maybe a little jealous that your kids continue to have a relationship with their dad & it's making you feel like the "bad" one as you are the only one NC & "left behind" in your thinking. I hope you can see that them developing a healthier relationship with their dad is good FOR THEM & has nothing to do with you.
Let me ask you a question - what happens if you continue down this path? Can you see yourself becoming sicker than him over time?
You can decide to change this anytime Butterfly, you can start today, right now. Make YOU the
#1 priority in your life. We're ALL rooting for you!