Last year I went to visit my ex while he was in the process of moving. He lived in a tiny apartment and all of it was trashed. There were piles of take out food containers in his room, on his bed, in the kitchen. There were living and dead bugs everywhere. It was horrible and devastating to see him living like that. I helped him clean a little. I knew it was part of my own illness to want to help, to need to help, but I couldn't not help. I will always love him. I will always want him to love himself even though I know deep down he doesn't. I understand caring about someone but keeping your distance to protect yourself. Detachment is a daily decision for me.
I don't have anything to say that will help with your pain or your loss. It's my biggest fear that one day my ex will die and it will be weeks or even months before I find out. I think it takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you did for yourself and your husband. Thank You for sharing your story.