The Functioning Addict
To the outside world, I am a success. I'm young, highly educated and in the process of developing a promising career.
Problem is, I have been a hopeless drug addict for a decade. Opiates are my DOC, but I am adept at switching drugs in order to avoid legal consequences / financial disaster / obvious signs of distress.
I have now been opiate free 16 days with great difficulty. I have tremendous social support - always have - but I feel such incredible despair when sober. I do not consider myself "clean and sober", however, since I have continued to indulge daily in "comfort" meds / alcohol. Outside of rehab, I have never lasted ONE day without taking something.
I want to feel happy naturally, I want to feel free and proud of myself. But I feel emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. I want to be sober 100%.
As awful as it sounds, I go to AA meetings and sometimes feel resentment when I hear people discuss how they drank "every weekend!" and now have "an amazing life of sobriety." Yeah, I wish I just drank every weekend.
I just want someone I can relate to - someone who's been a 24/7 addict/alcoholic and now lives a life of joy and peace.