Hi PNM ,
nice to see you back .
For me the cycle your describing was baffling and crazy making …
The only way to bring it to an end was to quit and stay quit , how many more years of rinse and repeat was i willing to give myself ?
If not now then when ? was my mantra ..
It's real hard , my heart hurts for you being where you are .. it's a big change ..
You need never be back in this cycle again if you don't want to be ..
Take care , m