One of the things I have found interesting about this process...and life in general... is the fact we cannot disregard the negative by forcefully attempting to negate it. It is negated automatically by shifting our awareness to something else. "Do not think of an apple", has never worked. (Like the "Don't do drugs" slogan). Thinking of an orange, now that works.
If you are like me, you have wrestled at some point what we coin as many names. Our demons, triggers, bad thoughts, etc. And we know the pain of losing that bout all to well. I do, anyway.
For this wrestling match to even occur, there is only one thing that must be present. A place, or frequency, or platform in which this fight in our head and emotions is allowed. I can write of this now easily as if it is outside of my world, as it is not yet Friday evening and I am driving by the liquor store on the way home. This is when the fight begins. What I am asking myself to remember is...this is really where I allow the fight to begin. Like all wars, they take two sides usually funded by a ton of propoganda but that is besides the point. The require one view versus another. The idea of dry sobriety versus the idea of video games and being buzzed for hours on the couch.
I don't know why I am writing this now, or here for that matter. But it is my fight. The fight I choose to fight after seeing my best friend and father lose it and pass away before my eyes. Before him, his father did the same. Do I break the cycle or do I continue on the road of self loathing and the desire to escape. I cannot leave this negative, as there is no escaping the reality of some things. And so they pull, and so I look for more strategic ways to engage this dark pull.
I could tell myself many things. I could say I am strong, or tell you I am weak. Neither would be entirely true, as I am strong only when standing with vision. I am weak when I stand without such a thing. There comes a point where some of us may remember something that transcends this entire reality. We have forgiven, and we are forgiven. And, there is no death. There is only life.
So we look up with drunk or sober eyes and see either a few or many more days before the next stage. We are not in pain anymore, but in some strange way we know the pain of passing and not having given what we could have given. It is this pain I fear most. I care too much to not be here and able to give what and who I am to possibly someone I have not even met many years down the road. But would I be willing and able to see the reality of one more night with beer and video games? Would I be willing to see this is not one night, but years of life and time?
Amen may I and anyone fighting this be stronger. Alone I will always fail, as it is not about just me anymore. That has not been enough now for a long time. For my brother I will keep standing as you have stood for me. Amen that may be enough.
With love