Thanks everyone! I'm feeling better now. The sadness seems to come in waves but I just realized something good: I am allowing myself to feel it. Before, whenever I started to get sad about my mom I would immediately "change the subject" of my thoughts. That was easy during the day but at night I'd either have to stay awake until my brain was exhausted or take Diphenhydramine. I have been falling asleep much easier lately and I have been taking PMs way less.
I feel a lot better since not drinking but I am now starting to have internal struggles about it. It's really easy to convince myself that I don't have a problem. Obviously I do or I wouldn't be here. But that switch gets flipped instantly like a breaker and I have to keep turning it back on. I have to constantly tell myself in advance not to believe myself if I start thinking about how this is stupid and I don't need to do this and I'm just being paranoid. I came up with a rule for myself when it comes to thinking about alcohol (because I'm not NOT going to think about it) on a scale of 1-10, 1 being zero drinks and 10 being one drink, any thought that goes in the direction of 5+ is a lie. I could've worded that better but you get the point.
Tops you inspired me. I didn't feel like going on the treadmill today and I was lazy and didn't want to work out but I decided to go up and down the stairs.