I can relate to what you're saying, as I have struggled with depression on and off for most of my life. I think what you describe is one of the hardest things about depression. I wanted help and love so much, I felt like I was screaming for it. But at the same time, I couldn't bear to be around people or talk to anyone. It was like my screams just ricocheted back into me, making my pain even worse.
Talking about it helps. When I couldn't talk to someone in person, I wrote and posted on sites like this. I still have trouble talking to people I love, but I've been able to open up a bit to a therapist. Maybe that would be an option for you? There's a freedom and anonymity to being online, and therapy sort of gives that same freedom but with a personal connection that makes it feel more real.
I wish there was something I could say to make you magically feel better, but there isn't. I hope you find a way to get some help and some relief.