I am going to save you some trouble and a little bit of money on a counselor that won't answer your question. You're an alcoholic, maybe you don't want to think that way. Maybe just maybe you think you can moderate, but if its causing you this much consternation then obviously there is an issue. Its like hey the expert said, I might not be alcoholic, but I know its causing me problems. But hey if they say I am not, time to drink! Sorry my friend I don't mean to be so rash, but I am laying the facts out the way I see them.
Now what, who cares its just a label. I hate labels, a label is just a way of defining something in concrete terms. A way of treating something when it comes to drinking. Professionals use those terms so they can look up the cure in their little book.
Find a goal, find some purpose, find something outside of yourself you can do. No need for resentment or anger or confusion. I actually don't think you are confused, I think you know exactly what you want to do, but are having a hard go at it.
I know you want to stop. I know you know that you want something better in your life. That my friend is the feeling I believe you should seize upon. Get a stop date, be prepared with friends and things to do and a support mechanism. Know that you don't have to be " confused" anymore. Know that you can do this, you will do this, and life will improve after you do this.
Good day, and good luck Jeremy