hummingbird...the reason they are doing this stuff in your home is because they CAN.
I think that for a parent...the first thing to detach from is the feeling that you are RESPONSIBLE for him....and, the idea that you can CONTROL him. The independence/dependence passage is difficult for parents as much as it is for kids.
The fact that you and your husband are divided provides fertile ground that he can exploit to the hilt. don't think that he is not keenly aware of this.
I hope that you are getting some help for this situation, because, if not...you can drive yourself absolutely crazy from the worry and stress (and it still won't help him one bit).
dandylion
(I am speaking from experience, here)