I never knew what went on in my head to make me take that first drink, either.
All memories of the fear and anxiety that awaited me disappeared. This happened a hundred times. And I'm not exaggerating.
I needed help. I couldn't stop on my own. Went to AA and got sober for seven months, but slowly started with that voice again. "You can have a few and relax". Of course, we all now where it goes from there.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Those AA meetings planted a seed in my head that others had stopped, then so could I. And I did, finally.
You can do it, too.
I agree with the above of trying a program of recovery. Many have been saved by this, including myself.
Best to you and don't give up.
Oh, and I drank cooking Sherry once when I ran out.