Noegoamigo

I could have written almost every one of these comments! My mom and I were always very close until my parents got divorced and she began dating a man that was also an alcoholic. She hid her alcoholism from me ~ and it did appear to me that she just didn't care to have any sort of communication with me or her grandson. When I did talk to her she was so completely different and lost the sense of humor that everyone knew and loved about her!! I always felt as though I walked on egg shells trying not to inadvertandtly start an arguement. It hurts very deeply to watch someone you love slip away because of addiction. Even if you didnt even know it was because of addiction.
I did hear my moms slurring from time to time and also found a freshly poured glass of wine hidden in the closet when I visited her one time. Addiction is a very difficult thing to understand, even for the addicts themselves. I can speak first hand here. I have been clean and in recovery for 10 yrs now. And although I saw some of the signs with my mom, I still missed the big picture. Its taken me lots and lots of reading and research to get to where I am back to the understanding phase again. Alcoholics/addicts are very shameful for their weakness and will isolate themselves. For me, I looked at it as the safest way to keep all my skeletons in the closet. Addicts also are very fearful about disappointing just about anyone! Someone elses judging us could really send us off the deep end. By the same token, as the Adult Child of an Alcoholic (which still shocks me to write...) I understand the self preservation and respect you need to have for yourself. The addict will hold those they love "hostage".... they will lie, manipulate, hide their addictions to the enth degree, conceal, become incognito, isolate, have endless anger and fears, cheat/steal, have paranoia, become defiant, be argumentative, pull you in and then push you away. As ridiculous as it sounds, dont buy into any of it. WHY? Because you will be fueling the addiction. In other words, they will get a high from it. If I may offer those interested what I have learned from my own personal situation, if you show that you really care about them and love them, then firmly, without giving into their ridiculous arguments (stay focused) ~ tell them that you arent there to judge them but to offer a refudge should they want it and refuse to enable them. Tell them that if they ever want help that all they have to do is say the word and you'll be there to help them in a heart beat. (If thats how you truly feel, that is) Addiction is a progressive disease ~ they lose sight of whats important because they cant see outside of themselves and the addiction. When, what and how they use next totally consumes their every thought. Nobody can force any addict to stop using they have to be the one to decide they want to quit or it wont be an honest decision on their part. Remember I said they are fearful of disappointing anyone, lie, manipulate ~ this is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. And for whatever reason, Alcoholics have the largest amount of denial about their disease. Remember that once the addiction side has taken over it no longer becomes just a "decision to stop" using. Their body NEEDS the alcohol or drug to function properly. It is a long and hard road in recovery. I still learn new things everytime I go to a meeting. Forgiveness is not about giving someone a "get out of jail free" card or condoning an action its about UNDERSTANDING WHY someone acts the way they do.
"It's the disease not the addict thats evil"