DAMMIT I dont KNOW what I like. Not anymore. I have been so worried about everyone else. Trying to please everyone else. Trying not to be seen so I wont rock the boat. This all makes me so sad. Not depressed, but grief stricken for this sham of a life I have built.
I feel crazier than him. He knows what he likes. He has interests and hobbies. I dont have anything. I have just been existing, bending to whatever shape other people need or want me to be in.
This was an issue for me for a time also. I'd been so consumed by XAH's needs and issues, and kids and work, that I completely lost any passions for anything else. What I did was look to other people that I admired -- what were they doing that made me feel little pangs in my heart?
I started knitting again. I got a bike. I started spending time outside. I toI threw a party -- now just one of many parties. I wanted to do anything that made my cup feel full, but mostly it revolved around being creative, being physically active, and meeting dozens of new people (in a non-dating scenario).
The bike was major for me. ANYTHING can be your bike, but this is why it helped me. I was exercising, I was spending a lot of time outdoors in the fresh air and sunshine, I was meeting other bike people, I was thinking about all this stuff while working my way to physical exhaustion, I was using it as a way to spend time with my kids, I was using it as a reason to travel and try new things, I was suddenly interacting with my neighborhood and environment in a new way. I liked to trail ride and cruise along at an easy pace with a canopy of trees over my head. It turns out there is a name for this and how it helps our mental health: forest bathing. It felt AMAZING. I'm not an athlete. I'm a divorced mother of two, fifty lbs overweight, kind of a diva about my hair and nails, but today I don't think a thing of strapping on some stretchy pants and taking a fifty mile ride.
All of this is really about what makes you feel good and who you want to be. Therapy and EMDR are wiping your slate clean, so you, TerpGal, can be any TerpGal you want to be, now and in the future. What do you want your future self to look like? It's something fun to meditate on. Think of it less of a challenge, and more of an adventure. <3