TerpGal

I won't lie I am pretty sad today. Not as bad as I was last week, but I am sad. Just got sucker punched by a few things today................

I had an awesome processing session with EMDR yesterday. We focused on my fear of being "seen", and the awful feeling that I have always had like Im screaming in a crowded room but no one can hear me. How I feel hopeless and worthless a lot of the time. We started with my worst bullying event in 7th grade (basically the shower scene from Carrie. I was cornered by all the other 7th grade girls in the locker room and was screamed at for, I dont know how long. It always seemed like FOREVER.) From there it worked back to stuff from 6th grade, then to my father mocking me that, "the girls are so meeeeean to me" to him finding me cutting and screaming that I'll go to hell for this. Then we used what physical sensation I was feeling and pairing it with the statement, "I am worthy". Suddenly I felt lighter and images of positive, affirming things mostly at work filled my mind. T asked me how I felt, "lighter" was the best way I could describe it. She asked me to focus on the feeling of lightness and how all the weight was lifting off of me. I imagined myself just coughing up black stuff like John Coffey in the Green Mile. I mentioned to her how I have always felt like Atreyu, stuck in the swap of sadness and she asked me to go there. And I was. After awhile, instead of Falcor's huge paw coming to rescue me, a hand started pulling me out. And when I looked up at the face..........it was my face looking back at me. Powerful stuff, that. It was overwhelming.

So today..............marriage counselling. I mentioned the fact I was triggered by RAH's extreme reluctance to take our younger dog to the emergency vet on Sunday after he was throwing up all Saturday and lethargic and dehydrated. And how I was triggered that he was kind of abrupt with the vet tech when we were outlining what we wanted done with Lemmy. And then how I was upset that he decided to go to a Capitals game with his dad while I was home with a sick dog (mind you all of this happened AFTER I came home from a 12 hour overnight shift and I was exhausted). And yep.......all that is because I am SO AFRAID to come out and say what I need (someone to watch the dog so I can sleep) that I just expect people to be mind readers. I am afaid they will get angry at me. And then I expressed how upset I was that RAH can just buy new stuff for himself without thinking, where I never buy things for myself and if I do, its all from WalMart so its cheap. So I never can spend any money on myself. I am afraid to do nice things for myself because I dont think I am worth it. I have a task from the T to do something nice for myself this weekend. Something that I like.

DAMMIT I dont KNOW what I like. Not anymore. I have been so worried about everyone else. Trying to please everyone else. Trying not to be seen so I wont rock the boat. This all makes me so sad. Not depressed, but grief stricken for this sham of a life I have built.

I feel crazier than him. He knows what he likes. He has interests and hobbies. I dont have anything. I have just been existing, bending to whatever shape other people need or want me to be in.

I went to go look at a room (well actually a basement) tonight near work. I was nice. The rent was reasonable, its furnished and month to month. The lady that owns the house is a little weird. I have another place to look at this weekend. RAH was not too thrilled I went to look at that place. I didnt tell him I was going. He's all, "I dont know what your plans are anymore" I think this is becoming real to him. Does it really matter what my plans are? They are MY plans. And dammit I didnt tell him because I was too afraid to make him mad. WTF is wrong with me? I do this stuff on INSTINCT. It makes me very, very sad.