I've been pinching myself a lot today as I can't completely believe that in about 2 hours it will be 100 days since I last touched alcohol!
Considering that I've drunk every day to excess for the last 15 years (apart from a few failed attempts to stop that peaked at a 6 week stint and a 3 and a bit week effort) and heavily most days for the 10 prior to that I'm pretty damn chuffed with myself.
I think those previous attempts were necessary though, as without them I wouldn't be able to compare how I feel about not drinking now.
This time I feel liberated instead of deprived.
I feel optimistic instead of scared.
I feel excited instead of depressed.
Without those previous periods not drinking followed by attempts to return to "normal, social, moderate" drinking that rapidly spiralled into ever increasing volumes of hooch being consumed, I wouldn't be as sure as I am that I can never drink in moderation. (In fact I know now that I wouldn't want to anyway - if I'm going to drink then I want to get hammered or what's the point?)
I've realised that I don't actually miss booze, or even what I used to perceive as the relaxing part before you get to incoherence just prior to oblivion. What I have noticed though is that I no longer have a way to quieten the incessant noise and chatter in my head. That's something I need to work on but in time - even while sleeping - which is now deep, refreshing enjoyable sleep my dreams are vivid and loud, maybe that's normal though - it's been a long time since I've experienced natural sleep as opposed to booze induced unconsciousness.
There are some measurable benefits that are becoming apparent such as nearly four kilo loss in weight, a change from a dangerous blood pressure to a much more acceptable one and I no longer look for excuses to skip work or swap shifts or throw sickies. My day is longer and more productive - I never realised how time consuming maintaining a serious drink habit was!
I've been trying to work out why it is I feel so different about things this time and I think it's got much to do with the fact that I've learned the difference between not drinking and sobriety. I'm on a journey that requires work and effort, it's not a case of simply not doing something that's harmful.
AVRT has made me realise that I can say "I'll never drink again and will never change my mind" and really believe it and know it without doubt or fear.
But the single biggest factor has been this forum. Even though I don't post much I read it every day and the folk on here have guided, supported, advised, coached and inspired me so much without knowing it.
I feel really indebted to the forum as a whole and certain individuals in particular and am humbled that complete strangers have made the time and effort to help me drag myself out of the depths of addiction to a state where, for the first time in many many years I think I could actually like myself again.
I've got a long way to go yet on this journey but standing here now, I think that, unlike 100 days ago, I might actually enjoy the ride
