Cecilia44

I ran over a black squirrel, very uncommon around here, and felt like cr*p about it. I was reading JadedGirl's post and I know how she feels.

I also saw a goose who lost his mate, oblivated on the highway and he just sat there, waiting for his mate to come back. Probably the most sorrowful thing I have seen in my life.

I am still drinking, drinking now and you know, it doesn't really help. I have felt so powerless over people my whole life and maybe AA is true, that I am letting them control me.

Had an argument with the EX tonight. We were supposed to go to dinner. He was acting "weird," trying not to upset me and I wondered why. I guess years of alcoholism made him think that way. Although, he acted that way when I was sober too (I was sober for 7 years), so I can't relate everything to alcohol.

I don't believe my whole life and everyone in it is always dictated by my alcoholism. I had many bad life experiences, years ago, when I was sober. I hate to read on these forums that "I can't sleep tonight" (three weeks later) is due to alcoholism. I don't believe it is true. Maybe you just can't sleep?

I guess, like AA says, I need to accept responsibility for who I am and while I likened drinking to diabetes (I really do, I think there are type I alcoholics and type II and I think I was born a type I ... either you have it or you get it at some point ... same either way) and I feel non responsible for it, it is still me who picks up the liquor. If I know I have problems with alcohol, it is STILL ME who does it anyhow. Emotional issues or not.

The only thing I don't get is that I know, true to myself, is that life wasn't necessarily a "walk in the park" sober either. Keep in mind, I was sober for 7 years. And the only thing I can hope for being sober, is that I do not have to question whether or not I "did it right today or wrong," because I was confused as to whether or not it was the drunk me or the sober me.

My brain hurts for figuring out whether my life sober or drunk, is better or not. The fact that I have to sit here and think it, gives me pause. The fact that the EX, with a nice dinner and movie is "walking on eggshells," gives me pause. The fact that years ago, when sober ... never did.

Maybe it is ... all my fault. I guess, if nothing else, I acknowledge I have a problem with liquor. And if I don't want to pretend like it's "that bad," is up to me. He can't solve it. He can't walk on "eggshells" to help me either. So I guess I have to solve it myself.

Damn it, when I was hoping "they would" all along.

Enough with it. I accept the fact that I am an alcoholic and there isn't a person in this world who can save me ... except myself.

Very lonely, by the way, although I guess I knew that years ago. Here, all this time, I was hoping, even being on this site, that you guys could "save me." I thought, (much like always being dictated by my dad), that you guys could "do it for me." I thought if I posted enough, gave you enough, spend time to do it at all, during my day, I would be sober.

It didn't happen. I keep wishing it would. If only it were that easy.