Hi dancingnow, I'm sorry for the predicament you find yourself in.
I can't offer you any great words of wisdom and I know there are people here who can offer more than me but I can share my experience that when I joined this forum still in contact with my axbf I thought that if only the alcohol would go away and be done forever then we would live happily ever after. However I think as dandylion says you can remove the alcohol from the equation but it doesn't always change what fundamental issues are there.
My x was jealous, controlling, manipulative, abusive- some of the things he has said and done are in my threads, some not. I hoped that if he stopped drinking and got into recovery then it would change, and you know what maybe it will and I won't be there to witness it, but I do know that recovery is a long hard process and I doubt that his personality will simply just become wonderful if the alcohol is removed from the equation. Like code job says it's not just about living without the drink it's about learning to have healthy, emotional relationships without the drink too- something they have stifled for so long with the addiction.
Yes the alcohol is a huge huge strain like people who haven't experienced it cannot begin to imagine but just removing that sometimes isn't enough which is maybe what I think you are experiencing and I am so very sorry for that.
When my x was sober for relatively good periods his attitude didn't change much- yes he could be loving, caring, say and do the right things but always like yours he blamed me, never fully took responsibility, it was always about HIM and his drinking and his battle and never about what it did to me or others around him. At some moments I felt like he did understand it but then later on his actions and words led me to believe he didn't, or did but maybe he didn't care.
I began to feel bitter and think when will it be about me, even just a little bit, when will I get some recognition for everything I have done for you, stood by you, everything I have endured. Why don't you care about my mental and physical health? Why I am researching and trying to help you when you would never do the same for me? And that's not a good or healthy place to be in.
It's a huge disappointment to see the alcohol removed but the same selfish person still resides underneath. Maybe this will go in time, you could wait it out longer, or you could decide that you have waited long enough, been through enough, you deserve better. Nobody but you can make that choice.
I left my x but was still in contact with him for months while he drank on and off, the rollercoaster continued, and I have only very recently cut contact. It hurts like hell, my mind is a complete mess but I have to keep reminding myself that hopefully this is short term and I have to endure this now but it's better than enduring a lifetime of being in a relationship with someone where I just feel like I don't matter, and even if I do for short periods of time that's not good enough. I want to matter, I want to be important to the person who claims to love me ALL the time not just on their terms. I think both you, and I, and all the people here who have been through such devastating experiences deserve that don't we?
Sending you strength and clarity x