Originally Posted by
FreeOwl 
For over a year now, things are better. No hangovers, no self-loathing, no wondering what I did. I'm healthier and sharper and more present in my life. I'm growing emotionally and I'm better able to be there for my family and my community and my self.
But there it is.... still.... a nice evening suddenly intruded upon and plagued by that old voice.
FreeOwl,
Last night I went out to a new restaurant with my wife, and directly in my line of view was a table of two couples apparently having a wonderful time, drinking wine, laughing, greeting friends as they came through the door. I heard that old voice too.
The operative part is the first sentence above: it is not coincidence that my life is better since I admitted myself into rehab and put the plug in the jug. Still, my brain occasionally goes into king baby mode and says, "but I want more." I now believe that life is a package deal. We (especially us A/A) don't get to order a la carte - to attempt to "just once" or "only a couple" on a special occasion is to throw out all the benefits that come from sobriety. We don't get "this" AND "that" - we must choose.
That old voice wants us to believe that it is possible to have both a better life and to drink "normally." In my few years of sobriety I have seen what happens to those that try to have both. I cannot know with certainty what would happen if I were to try to drink again, but I do not know a single person for whom that choice worked well. One friend died within weeks of his relapse.
I am not a particularly religious person, but I do believe we are created in gods image. Just as described in the creation story, we have the capacity to create great things in this life, to literally change the world through our actions. And each action is anchored in choice.
I choose sobriety.