I'm sorry you're hurting still. I have had only two relationships that have ever caused me such long term "missing them" pain. One was just that we lost contact from moving the same weekend and not knowing our forwarding addresses, and the other was because I was his 'intermittent chicken'.... Anyone else remember that post? Where there was an experiment done on chickens that received pellets of food regularly or intermittently, and the one that received them intermittently became obsessive. That there is something to how a narcissistic person sets you up to be that intermittent chicken. Anyway, that was me for the second guy.... About 6-7 years of that roller coaster. When I finally realized he was never going to actually fulfill that dream I kept in my head, I was able to let him go. And I have been NC with him for over a year now and though I think of him, I am no longer hurting....
Maybe gaining some perspective on who your ex is and the dreams you have for yourself will help you put him in the rightful place in your mind and heart... ((hugs))