Sorry to hear you're suffering, and the loss of your brother ee, totally relate to your predicament, I feel 'well' after I get off it for a few weeks and think 'I'll be alright this time' but I never am, I black out and get into the same sort of stuff you've described, I truly believe that Im allergic to alcohol physically and obsessed with it mentally.
Hayfever sufferers are allergic to pollen but they don't have an obsession for going around sniffing flowers, unfortunately we seem to seek solace from pain in the very thing that causes us chaos and suffering, it truly is bizarre.
Im trying to take it day by day and when I get through a day I consider it a day won, early recovery is so hard but I have hope that I have a brighter future as long as I don't have that first drink, hope things come good for you friend.