One of the huge problems in AH's eyes
Is that I haven't worked since May when I got fired for missing 6 days due to my depression and anxiety.
My depression and anxiety have been at functional levels and at non-functional levels over our 20 year relationship.
There were times when the 7 kids were all little that it was very hard for me to get out of bed, and I did the bare minimum to keep them taken care of.
There were great times too.
I think starting around April I went downhill again really badly and I think I had a nervous breakdown. I've developed panic attacks in the past few months too which are pretty debilitating. They keep me from doing even daily things around the house.
In the past month where my Ah has started to get abusive when he's drinking, something inside of me kind of came alive again and I want to go back to work and get my own place and get away from this nonsense.
But my anxiety and panic attacks are so bad.
I'm a nurse and definitely don't feel I could work safely as a nurse right now, I have so much brain fog and I'm sooo forgetful.
But I could do other jobs I think.
Anyhow, my point of this post is that my AH basically believes that my depression and anxiety is a bunch of BS even though he's seen it with his own eyes.
His tirade tonight was about having to carry me for the past year, that I'm an anchor weighing him and everyone around me down. That I just want people to take care of me and feel sorry for me.
Which is not true. At all. When we've been separated on the past I've been just fine on my own.
He thinks in these past months I should have been able to "grow up and stand up and act like an adult" regarding my depression and anxiety. He rubbed it I that I lost my job because I "couldn't get my lazy a$$ out of bed and go to work"
It's like he has no insight at all into what kind of shape I've been in mentally. Where everyday was a struggle convincing myself not to kill myself.
Why can't he understand I'm not doing this on purpose? He knows mental illness runs in my family. He's seen it in my mom, my grandma didn't come out of her room for most of my moms childhood and had to have electroshock therapy.
He said tonight that I've den nothing with my life besides go to and pass nursing school, he took credit for raising the kids. What?!?!
I don't want anyone to "carry me" or feel sorry for me.
I want to be well and run my own life.
So frustrated.