I have to get this off my chest. Or better yet, out of my head.
Here is how my last 2 meetings went.
1 meeting was heavily clouded by strong personal opinions of certain NA fellows. It was the 4th of may and that is when we commemorate the victims of WW2 here in Holland. The whole country has 2 minutes silence at 8 PM. BUT...our meeting ends at 8 PM.
So...a big discussion took place on how we should go about that. Some didn't want to do anything because it's an outside issue and some wanted to have 2 minutes of silence.
Anyhow, we had a group consiousness (sp?) and voted for 2 minutes of silence at 8 PM but before that just about everyone got up and left....this was very confusing to me.
I didn't voice my opinion, eventhough I have one ofcourse, but I was (and still am a bit) surprised how my fellow addicts made such a big deal out of something so straight forward.
What's the big deal of having 2 minutes of silence at the end of a meeting?
Outside issue? I don't understand....
The 2nd meeting (yesterday) was a 11th step/meditation meeting.
The chairperson of that meeting who also leads the meditation didn't show up the previous week and was unreachable for everyone for more then a week.
He also didn't attend his treasury position at another meeting. Nobody had a clue where he was or why he didn't call or anything.
Lots of people called him, left a message, but didn't hear from him.
A lot of old-timers had concerns for him that he might be relapsing.
He apparently chaired another meeting some time ago, relapsed, and denied it while still continuing to chair. After he was confronted by several people he came clean and admitted it apparently.
Yesterday he suddenly walked in to the 11th step/meditation meeting and to be honest, he looked like sh*t...
He said he was sick for a week, his phones were broken (both homeline and mobile), his girlfriend just ended the relationship but everything else was OK.
I talked about this with my sponsor and he thinks the guy relapsed (that's ok, it happens, hell, I did it 4 times) but is in denial again.
I feel confused again.... it suddenly became clear to me that my personal recovery is depended on NA unity. But should I let my suspisions - and that of lots of other people - influence me?
I mean...he talked about spiritual things related to recovery, honesty and more. But how can I believe him if I recognice typical addict behaviour in him.
Behaviour all too familiar to myself I may add...
Bottom line, I'm a bit confused about all this. My sponsor adives me to let go...but I find that hard. I even dreamed about it.
Any suggestions are more then welcome.
Thanks.