I completely agree about the self care. Sleep, good food, plenty of water, and having found good doctors... and a wonderful Alanon group.
Beyond anything, what has worked for me is prayer and really giving everything up to God. To let go of all my emotions, all my own preconceived notions, and let Him guide me. The more I learn to let go, to connect with others, and to live by Gratitude, the more my viewpoint changes.
Sending prayers for you and your husband.
My homework this week is to take one Alanon slogan and apply it throughout my day. Maybe that could help in the moments when things seem overwhelming.