Last night my mother called. Last time she called it was a cheery hey how's it going here's some news message. Last night, finally, was the - "hey what's going on why haven't you contacted me? I don't know what's going on!" message I've been expecting since September. I admit, it got to me. I considered calling her back and telling her all the reasons why I cannot be in contact with her. I considered writing her a letter so I could explain it and she couldn't say she didn't know anymore. Then, I remembered my XAH saying the same things. "Why did you leave me? What have I done?" And I remembered that he knew exactly what he had done and why I left. I told my half brother a couple weeks ago why I wasn't contacting her, and I knew she must have talked to him.
THEN I started taking inventory of how I was reacting. I had the same pit of anxiety in my stomach that I would get before my XAH would come home. I thought it was because I was afraid of him... but I'm not afraid of my mother...All the sudden it hit me. I am afraid of the addiction. I am afraid of the unknown. How will they act? Will they be drunk or high this time? If not, how long until they are? Did they hurt themselves? Did they hurt someone else? I have had enough time now to be in a relaxing, calm environment, where I know how people will respond, how they will act, and that if something bad happens it is simply an accident - not a consequence of addiction.
I'm not sure if I'll contact her or write her a letter at this point, but it felt good to be able to sort that out, and it feels great to have a place to keep sorting things out.
