Originally Posted by
glitterdeva 
Hi, family. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. AH is in rehab and I am at the crossroads. I feel paralyzed almost. I do just the basics - work, do my class, take care of kids and dogs, don't really clean until it gets way to messy (no energy), workout a bit (helps me with depression), think about something positive every day (especially when I get sad thinking about AH or what he might be doing), I try to slow down, try not to yell and try not to be angry and bitter at AH (very hard). I hear a lot about "working on myself". Now, that he is gone, I have to work on myself. How do you guys do it? What do you do specifically to work on yourselves? How do you not think about your addicts? I find it so hard to even concentrate. Everything circles back to him.
oh, I went to an only nar-anon meeting in my area, which is 30 minutes away. It's once a week, well at least it's something.
My AH has been in a program since Monday. Today is day 4 and I haven't yet been able to do anything "productive" during the day. I'm just so glad he's gone! He's there from 8:30-3:15 and all I wanna do is lay around and veg and watch movies and pet my cat.
Last night at my Al-Anon meeting we read from one of the books about how God gives us 4 things: opportunity, ability, time, and desire. And that if we find ourselves lacking in any of these areas, we need to humbly accept our limitations.
This really hit home for me. Although I "should" be working, I can't right now. I'm just so exhausted and don't have the DESIRE as mentioned in that list. But what I do have is TIME.
Time while he is away to just regroup and rest -- and if that's all I can do right now, then can I accept it as a gift from my HP? I don't have the desire to work and engage with other things, but I do have time to take care of myself and rebuild my strength through resting and going to meetings sometimes.
I think it depends on what our needs are, but for me, working on myself right now means getting rest, making sure I eat good meals, drink water, etc. Some of the basics.
I am also thinking about Step 1 and reading stuff online about it. My life is definitely unmanageable. Can I also admit that I'm powerless over alcohol/drugs/people/places/things? That still needs to sink in more...but I'm not rushing it either.
If you ask yourself the question: What do I need? What do I want? (And let yourself answer with something that is not related to your AH) what answer do you get?
Maybe that's a way you could start working on yourself for now. Glad you have a meeting you can go to once a week and that you're here on SR, too.