shinebright7

Hi Friends --

I shared this in the FF Substance Abuse forum earlier this afternoon, but wanted to share it here, too, because I used to frequent this forum and know many of you helped me back in the day.

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Hi SR Friends,

It's been a long time, but I'm glad to know that you and
this supportive site are always here.

You can probably guess why I'm back...

I'm still living with an active addict and it's been a roller coaster,
to say the least.

The latest, though, is that my husband entered a PHP (partial
hospitalization program) this week and I am trying to catch
my breath and regroup while he's away. It goes from 8:30-3:15
each day and family day is on Saturday morning.

I need a lot of help.

I'm going to Al-Anon meetings again and I'm basically just trying
to take care of myself.

I was reading the suggested reading posts in the Sticky area and
that was really helpful. Especially something I read about focusing
on my work, exercise, social life, etc.

I have let my thoughts about him and his issues consume my life
and I'm just so exhausted and disconnected. I feel depressed. I
feel like an outsider with my friends.

I know it can get better. I'm just at the bottom and need to start
crawling out one moment at a time.

I feel like I need some support to help me get back into my work.
I feel so withdrawn and shriveled up that I am not bold enough to
get engaged again and go find clients so I can bring money in
again -- but I know that my doing that would help me feel really
empowered and more secure.

I caught myself in a fear this morning which is that I'm afraid of
getting excited about and engaged in my life again because it's
just going to blow up in my face again -- which is SO PAINFUL!

So in an effort to prevent that, I find myself just wanting to lay
down and die -- so to speak. To let everything fall apart and just
let it happen. Have a pity party for myself. Not reach out for help.
Just surrender, but in a giving up way.

That way, I can't get hurt again. (Pffft.)

I think it's good that I caught myself in that line of thinking so
I can work through it -- obviously it's not the right decision to
just lay down and die because of my husband's addiction and the
way I've been impacted by it. That's MY sickness talking.

So I need to figure out how to take care of my issues while still
being engaged in my life. Feels hard right now.

But we can do hard things, right!?

So, I'm here right now. I'm glad I reached out virtually. Gonna do
my best to take it one day a time...and one moment at a time
when I'm with my AH who may or may not be benefitting from
his program. Trying to remind myself that it's not my business.

Thank you for listening and for being here. It means a lot.