Originally Posted by
Cow 
I understand my decision making organ is not only manipulated by addiciton, it also physical damage and altered, and the anhedonia make it so one choice not that different to me than other choice. Cuz is nothing driving choices but my intellect. Like I was tell them last night, nobody story "inspire" me, or give me "hope", or makes me feel I "belong" and I can do it too. I just there because I try find way to strengthen my power to make better choices even if I not feel motivated by anything to do so. Everybody say you not can "think" you self sober, but, you know, it kind of ALL I GOT.
The motivation thing for me is purely intellectual also Cow.
It is terrific that some people are finding real peace and healing with sobriety such as you Hawks, but I would have to say my "healing window"
is pretty much passed at nearly four years of sober time and though I do feel more in control and "peaceful" the emotional numbness seems like scar tissue
that will not dissolve with all the thinking and therapy in the world.
Was my addiction killing me? Yes.
Is my life "better" sober? Yes.
But I guess I thought there would be more "fun" in life,
more spontaneous pleasure and wonder than I've found.
I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and fire up my
synaptic dance with plenty of pithy material, but when I walk
in the woods I see the beauty from a distance and that seems
tragic somehow.
Appreciation is a far cry from apprehension.