Originally Posted by
Godismyrock 
When your RAH has just had a lapse/relapse, and is now feeling awful about himself and you are angry, what is the right thing to say? I end up venting frustration, anger, distrust, disgust, point out where he failed. UGHHHHH. I need to stop taking his inventory.
What are some phrases, things I can say that embody detaching with love???? What works?
Firs off, know that it is perfectly okay to be angry. Anger is a human emotion and you shouldn't repress it. But when you express that anger in a way where you put down the other person - not so good.
If you need to vent, vent. Write in your journal, talk to a friend, exercise, paint, punch a punching bag.
If you are having this big of a problem communicating to him without going off, you may want to consider couples counseling. Communicating in a nonviolent and nonaggressive way is not only healthier for the relationship, but better and more stabilizing for yourself.
Good luck.