Hi pink, sorry you are going through this pain because that is what it is. I had/am having similar situation with my by now nearly exaw. I knew deep down what was going on but like you touched on, she turned it around for years saying I had control problems and i was ruining our marrage and this really effected my self esteem. It allowed it to get worse and she pushed my boundaries even more which caused me even more pain and frustration which I believed was my fault because of my "control issues".
This behavoir is so wrong and I know how painfull it is for you. I hope you can get the courage to change your situation. Life is too short to allow someone else to make it sad for you.