I still remember my ex fiancé telling me something one day, and what I remember is change of expression on her face.
" Tom, you can be the most loving man I ever met, but when you drink you are nothing but evil and that evil is starting to happen even when you're not drinking."
Pretty common for me to start a relationship with that loving, caring man being there even when drinking. But in time the Mask would come off. A true Jekyll and hyde.
I've typed a lil on here about how I used to be who I used to be. Deep down in, under all the denial, under all the blaming, under all the extremely disgusting mental and emotional abuse I dished out,I absolutley 100% hated myself. I hated who I was and hiw I treated people.
Early on in my drinking I could be the happy drunk and very rarely got blackout rage.
There were times I would be off the wall insane- I don't think I need to give an example as I'm sure ya's can come up with one- and inside not liking what I was doing or saying but completely unable to stop myself.
But it wasn't always like that. As time went on and I sunk deeper into the mental and emotional effects( or affects?) of alcoholism when I was drinking I was nothing but evil.
And It was getting more and more without alcohol.
I was never one straight was throughout my drinking existence. There were times I stopped drinking( but only for very short periods) and the angry,evil man would be disappearing. But then I'd pick up again. And the way I treated people ( not just my hostages) got worse every time.
Best move any woman I was ever with did was to step off the crazy train and not get back on.
P.s.
Getting sober I found the causes. Many different causes, but the main was fear. Low self esteem. Wee but of an ego problem,too(yeah yeah..I know....it was more than wee bit). and none of them women could fix me.