My wife and I have been married for 19ys. We both drank freely for a long time with no issues but trouble started about 5 yrs ago.
I spent quite a while making up the timelines for my wife's drinking, it ended up being a long dance around accepting she was an alcoholic. You don't need a lot of complex data-taking for this. My experience was very similar to yours. The really scary part for me was the progression of her personality change.. over time, when she drank she'd become more and more angry. The frequency of drinking increased till the point where she felt it was too obvious at which point she kept her drinking in front of me to a certain limit, and started drinking in secret. She pulled some ninja moves hiding it for a year.
Towards the end she was combining alcohol with xanax and on a few times ambien which was horrifying- staggering drunk at 9pm, passing out on the couch day after day.
I responded with anger, frustration and judgement. It all finally came to a head- thankfully not with a DUI but it sure could have been. My contribution through the whole process was applying pressure; interrogations, "I know you don't love me but if you love our daughter please do..." etc. THen when the bottom came I rammed my pity in her face.
I know what you're talking about Concerned. None of the control or influence I could bring to bear would help and only really made the fights worse.. the lonliness and frustration are unrelenting.
The way out for me was going to Alanon, because I was really hurting and desperate inside. Its not the only way but it worked for me. I learned I can't (and should not try) to control her or her drinking, I did contribute to the problem by adding stress and drama- but I also didn't cause it (despite her claims)- her drinking to drown her fears, anxiety and frustration was her own choice.
Her recovery, if she chooses to have one, is her own choice and I suggest you not try and impose one. However, one of the things you can do is work out your position on what you're willing to live with behavior-wise. My form of it is (and told to her) that if the active alcoholism resumes (and by that I mean a resumption of old habits, not just a slip or whatever), then I will ask her to leave and if she does not then I will and take our daughter with me. That is a nuclear option so I know I have to be prepared to do it. It is not an attempt to control her, she will drink or not- but I will not live the old way anymore.
But speaking of not living the old way anymore, that applies to me too. I don't want to live in that judgemental, dark angry state anymore. I want to be free of my myself too- which is what Alanon is helping me develop. I'd suggest attending some of them, see if the message works for you- no worries if it doesn't- but please do attend to your inner life here; alcoholism in a family member often leads to all kinds of trouble with others and it often develops so slowly you get crazy without realizing it.
But I would like to add one proviso, if she's driving drunk then it may well be worth taking action- calling the police etc. Imagine if she has an accident drunk- then somebody is likely to get hurt in addition to the legal trouble, because if she is still drinking in the way you suggest more trouble is coming and you can count on that.
Good luck Concerned, SR has a lot of stories that show the arc. Some go down into permanent darkness, some go into recovery for all concerned- you may see your story told many times in many ways.