charis....yes, that is the hard part! It did help me when I could look at it as not anything personal toward me.
I don't think they set down and say to themselves: "let me drink today to see how much I can hurt her". It is more like: "I have got to have a drink to stop this damn noise in my own head for a while". When the powerful compulsions hit--I have heard alcoholics say: "I can't think of ANYTHING else..not anyone or anything else except getting a drink".
Of course, alcoholics, in recovery, will often talk about how overwhelmed and guilty and shameful they feel about the damage that their drinking have caused others (a frequent reason of relapse in early recovery). They are often shocked at the damage--after the curtains are pulled back, in recovery.
The active alcoholic seems to exist in their own world of defenses to protect their drinking....a sort of "protective bubble" made up of lies, denial and rationalizations...also anger and deflection are favorite tools.
This is why it is called a disease. It seems to invade and take over their personhood (emotionally, physically and spiritually).
Their actions do hurt us...they hurt us like hell!!
It does help to get your own equilibrium when you can stand back..at a distance...and see that it is about the disease and not about you (personally).
dandylion