GracieLou

I can relate to so many things you have shared.

I found that it is a grief process. My mother is a narcissist and your share about your mother reminded me of her.

Unlike the regular grief process that happens when a person dies I read that we experience the same five stages but they play out in a different order.

Acceptance is first.

Then comes denial, bargaining, anger and depression.

The article I read says that we will bounce around these stages a lot but that you don't move on until you have solidly worked the first stage, acceptance.

I have found this to be true. Once I could accept the truth about my mother and I accepted her as she was, a narcissist, then I could start moving on. It did not happen overnight but it does happen.

Guilt crept up on me a lot and when this happened I tried to think about me. What I want, how I want to live, my own dreams and hopes. All of them had been squashed my whole life and it was time to put me first. It was so hard to do this. I had to practice. I didn't know how to think of myself before the wants and needs of others.

I read a book, "Will I ever be good Enough?" and it helped a lot. It is about being the daughter of a narcissist but alcoholism can mirror NPD so you may want to check it out. It sounds like your mother may be one and your sister may be both.

I am a recovering alcoholic and I seen a lot of the NPD traits in myself when I was using and because it was the only example I had. I thought the way my mother did things, said things and acted was the true reflection of life, how a woman behaves and how a mother behaves. I never knew any different. I found them not to be the case so I am learning how to be a woman, a mom and a friend.

Many of the NPD traits have faded because I am now sober, some not and I am working on them.

It is a journey and is well worth the walk. You are worth it!