Thumper

Yes! I spent so much time painstakingly thinking every situation through that first 18mos or so. I had to think every single thing through to see if xyz was in my hoola hoop or someone elses, if it was my emotion or if I was taking on someone elses, if it was my responsibility or someone elses, if it was my problem or not, if I had any business finding a solution or not, etc. etc. None of it came naturally and none of it felt all that great at first either.

Think it all through, come here for feedback and support. Come up with a list of questions that you can mentally go through each time you are feeling anxious about a situation. Over time it really works.

This was very helpful in almost every relationship but boy was it vital/difficult in separating from my husband. I had a counselor. I really recommend one.

I had steadfast and rigid boundaries that limited true intimacy in many ways. I'm also fiercely independent. I am not afraid of being alone, I have my own income, etc. It wasn't those things keeping me stuck. Yet I was completely enmeshed with my husband on an emotional level. I had no boundaries at all to distinguish self from the relationship from him.

One time shortly before he moved out but after I had filed for divorce (he went completely off the rails after that) he had spent all night (about 5 hours) ranting and raving at me, tearing things up, and throwing things around. I bet I didn't say 10 words the entire time. He took off at about 2-3am (to get more beer - he came back) and I sat at the window and cried like the world was ending as he pulled out. But I was crying for him, not me. In that moment it hit me - I had a whole lot of problems of my own to work on because that was just nuts. I was so lost and confused. I had no ability to even know what I was feeling on my own behalf. When he felt anxious and afraid for whatever reason - I felt anxious and afraid. I'd feel panicked, an actual physical pull in my body, to fix it even at the detriment of myself. This is enmeshment.

If I had any sense at all I would have called the cops and got him out of there. I lived through it, and understand it, and I still can't believe that I could be that confused and unclear but we don't have to stay in that fog!

^^ I don't really see anything that extreme in your posts but maybe someone else reading will get something out of it

I'm so glad to hear you are taking care of yourself!!