Hi Utopia, thanks for sharing such an honest feeling, I can relate on many levels. A few things really stand up and shout at me in your post if you don't mind me picking out the ones that resonate?
"the fear based hum of discontent that infused our house growing up"
I have rarely read words that so precisely sum up the foundation that so destructively led me to where I am today as a recovering ACA-ER. For me, that hum defined every aspect of my life and mistakenly led me to believe that IT was normal. I based every life lesson on that demon seed. Absolutely picture perfect introspection, thank you for sharing that.
"that is my birthright and curse"
I believed this to be true as well. However, the more I put in the work and committed to the notion that I was NOT cursed or destined as a result of it, I was able to see it for what it's truly worth, "deception by perception". For me, believing that I could be my own loving parent helped erase that perception and slowly provide myself with a loving foundation and a quiver of new tools to live MY life. I may be wrong on this but I don't believe we are hard wired. We may be supplied by faulty code but we all know that new code can be written and the program can be altered to run more efficiently with each new entry. Sorry to be a little deep but you have supplied me with some amazing thoughts to ponder today. Be patient with yourself as you chew on these very "positive" revelations.
Thanks for sharing,
OGK