Thank you everyone for your advice and loving comments. I am NOT going to kill myself. I've been through far to much in my life to just give up! I have kids and a husband who need me & love me and that would be the most selfish thing in the world I could do besides what I am already doing to myself by drinking. Such shame I have....
That being said, I am going to check into IOP treatment on Monday. I am not a daily drinker and don't need detox so that may be the only thing my insurance approves but we shall see. I'm also going to call my insurance about therapy & meet with my new sponsor on Sunday. She gave me my first assignment...."don't drink between now and Sunday night when we meet!"
It's amazing to me that laying in a jail cell in handcuffs in 2008 after a DUI was so much easier than the emotional pain I have felt this time around. It's no wonder people die of alcoholism!
Honestly, it's truly amazing that any of us survive. It's truly a miracle. So...if you have some sobriety...even a few days...hang on to it as if it is a floatation device in the middle of the ocean. Don't ever let go! The sharks in the dark vast sea will pull you under the first chance they get! If my story helps someone, then my pain will not be in vain.
Thx for caring! I'm a fighter...I will fight this disease until the bitter end...but I will also need to surrender....finally.....
Xo-hang on to that life preserver!