Mrrryah,
Since you're in the program, I'll share this with you. I read from As Bill Sees is quite often.
Here's an excerpt from one of his that I share on occasion:
Quantity or Quality
"About this slip business -- I would not be too discouraged. I think
you are suffering a great deal from a needless guilt. For some reason
or other, the Lord has laid out tougher paths for some of us, and I
guess you are treading one of them. God is not asking us to be
successful. He is only asking us to try to be. That, you surely are
doing, and have been doing. So I would not stay away from A.A.
through any feeling of discouragement or shame. It's just the place
you should be. Why don't you try just as a member? You don't have to
carry the whole A.A. on your back, you know!
"It is not always the quantity of good things that you do, it is also
the quality that counts.
"Above all, take it one day at a time."
Some of this may apply/be helpful today for you.
So, well we need to keep trying and change - don't feel like the lone ranger
peace