Moving in the right direction....
I've been a chronic relapser for a long time now. It's embarrassing and I don't like admitting that - I wish I could be one of those people who just came in to the program and "got it" first try, but for whatever reason, I needed more proof that I was an alcoholic and an addict to find the resolve to stay sober for good. To really and truly accept my powerlessness to my deepest core.
The last 6 months, I've been trying to get sober again, after spending the entire summer in a drunk. I had a period of almost 90 days sobriety, followed by a 3 day relapse, then a period of 30 days, followed by a 2 day relapse, then a period of 30 days, followed by a 1 day relapse.
People have said things like "I can't give you surrender, you must find it yourself." or "maybe you just haven't hit your bottom yet." These comments can lead me to questioning whether I wouldn't just be better off giving up, and going back out until maybe I find these things once and for all. And just pray that I won't die in the process.
But today - I can't help but feel that despite my recent short-lived relapses, I am still moving in the right direction. I've put so many safeguards in place in my life that even when I do relapse, I'm running straight back to recovery within a matter of 24 hours, desperate to not repeat the cycle again.
Am I saying that relapse needs to be a part of my recovery? Absolutely not. I would certainly save myself much pain and misery, and potentially my own life, if I never picked up a drink again. I hope to god that is the case.
I should mention that after these relapses, I have honestly felt to my very core the deepest surrender I have ever known. I can only describe it as pure and utter desperation and defeat. I've begged my higher power on my knees to help me. Help me to hold on to that feeling of desperation so that I do not have to go through this ever again. Take my will, my life, everything you need. If I can just stay sober, please god.
I've been working the steps with a sponsor, and she's continued to push me forward despite my relapsing.
After my last 1 day relapse, I decided that I am going to keep pushing through and giving sobriety my all, my everything, no matter what it takes. I am so powerless over my addiction, but I can rely heavily on my higher power to help me and guide me to my sober destiny. The path that is intended for me on this earth, in this life.
The only alternative to this option is to descend further into my addiction, and god knows that is a terrifying place that I do not want to go.
The only thing that will absolutely ensure my failure is the absence of continuing to work on my recovery and sobriety.
I will quit drinking, or I will die trying. I know that to be true today.
Happy sober 24 hours all.