I do have a therapist. 2 of them. A domestic violence counselor at the local women's shelter and a trauma specialist who also works with addicts. I don't feel like I'm making much progress in these venues. I am constantly furious and at times want to do physical harm to RAH (but would never do so of course). I am angry at myself for not feeling good enough to know I deserved better. I am angry at myself that I am still here and too much of a coward to do what I know what needs to be done. I am curious at RAH that he thinks things are great and hunky dory now because we had 2 nice nights out and it's been 5 months so I should stop being angry at him.
I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to give up. This is so painful I think I might die from it and Al Anon at least in my area the members are very pushy about just letting it all go this very instant and that there's something wrong with you if you can't. Most of these folks have been around FOREVER and it feels like they forgot what it's like.