Hi all,
This is my first post so apologies if I am in the wrong place.
I have hit a wall, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally and I am not sure of my next steps.
I may write more about myself later, but for now I have realised that not only is my drinking again excessive after a period of trying to control it (not stop just moderate it - fail), but I am more aware of how little I can control it. Well to be more clear, I am being more honest with myself about how little I can control it. I have been aware this last 12 months (or more) how much it is taking over my life again but not wanting to really admit it.
Anyway, Sunday night that just went past I was stinging for a beer even though I had said to myself I needed to refrain (after a bigish new year). I had that beer at home in double quick time and then decided I was going out. I had to work the next day, the first day back after nearly three weeks off, but that mattered little because I was just going to have a couple. Yeah right...
Turns out I could not go to work due still feeling drunk in the morning.
So I spent the day in bed trying to not to throw up or give myself too hard a time but also recognising that I need to do something differently. So I started looking at AA meetings. There was one tonight and I thought I may go, but ended up going to the gym instead which was great but maybe I need something more right now...??
My concerns, questions and fears are as follows:
- what do the different meetings mean - open, speaker, Living Sober book discussion, meditation meeting, etc. Which one is the one I should or could go to as a new person. I am in Australia.
- What happens if I go locally and I see someone I know. I feel so self conscious. I feel like I will just cry I go because I have so much pent up stuff that I don't want to share with friends or family cause I feel like I have failed to be a good person.
- What will happen at the meeting? Is it just people speaking and then everyone goes home? Is there advice given or just venting?
- How would I make myself walk in to a room of strangers and admit I suck a bit when it comes to controlling myself?
- And this may be strange but what does it mean to ME to go there? What would I think of myself? I don't want to be labelled as (and even typing this is hard) an alcoholic (Ugh that hurt)? I feel a little like it is giving myself a limiting and negative tag which is probably stupid considering I limit myself by drinking anyway and create negative versions of myself each time I drink.
So being confused and scared I went to the gym and got a little endorphin rush and spoke to people I know and acted like all was well. When inside I feel like I suck a bit and I hurt and I am scared of myself and what I can do to myself. And I am afraid of what may happen again if I give into another sneaky beer and I am also afraid of what happens if I don't. And yet at the same time I am excited by what I could achieve if I was not spending so much time drinking, with a hangover or orientating my life decisions around if I can drink before, during or after something.
Sorry for that little rant, had to get it out.
I am hoping someone may be able to shed some light on the what I may expected in an AA meeting and how I may overcome my trepidation and if it is really for me or can I go it alone with support from a counsellor. My heart thinks a counsellor will not really get it though, someone who has the urges I do might be more useful. Yep a bit confused about the next steps.
Much love,
Kate
PS: as I type this I can hear across the water the sound of the bell that rings in the bar down there when a table orders a round of shots.... lol