theotherhalf

So since sept since the aexgf went down to Fl she has been living with her grandparents. Been clean and sober since, and been trying to find a steady job, working here and there and planning on going back to school in the fall. We had been Skyping and I had some leftover vacation time so i went down and hung out on the beach and with her. She's my best friend. I love her even after everything thats happened and when thing are good...they're great (as im sure everyone on here says, ive seen it plenty of times).It was made clear that we were broken up. I wanted her to get her **** together and then who know but if she or i found someone in between, so be it.
Fast forward to now....today...3 hours ago. She had planned on coming home for a few weeks to see her fam and get her stuff, then go back down to Fl. I haven't seen her the first few days and tonight is the first night i saw her. Got in a little argument the other night because she I was a little bent out of shape that i didn't get a phone call when she got in or anything. Something felt off in the wasy it all went down that instantly i got that tingly feeling. so today i pick her up and as she's putting her bag in my car i look and her face has that droopyish face that we've all seen. She gets in my car and her eyes are heavy and she closes them instantly and is "sleeping". Im blown away and right away call her out on it. I cant believe what im seeing. This is the same kind of **** that i saw over the summer when she was shooting. She makes up some BS about not getting any sleep and now that she's in my warm car feels comfortable. Long story short we go back to my house and the more i look at her, the more i think she's high. I txt her sponsor and ask her if she's see/talked to exgf since she's been back . Sponsor says no and i tell her that i think that she's high. Sponsor says that im not the only one, some people saw her the other night and thought the same thing.
So now im flipping out in my head. Just so ******* sad. I tell aex that she cant stay with me and i have to take her home. Unless she's willing to take a **** test. She says ok, i say that im going to watch her take it. She gets mad then say no and fine to take her home. i take her home and say one last chance to take the test and ill say apologize profusely and we can go about our night. she says that she doesn't want me watching, that i've taken away enough(???). I say the choices you made is what brought you to this.
Its really heartbreaking and i would think that im used to it by now and i know its my fault that i put myself through it each time. i always expect a different outcome. i know, the definition of insanity...its really so sad. crazy thing is that she puts so much self doubt in me that now im like did i really see the right thing? ive ben around her enough to know what im seeing. I've seen her completely sober, and seen her completely high. Ive told her that she's not fooling me but continues to deny. I just don't get it. I have her number blocked cause i don't want to hear it. its crushing cause all i was hoping was to spend the short time we had together with each other maybe seeing if there was a possibility. Hope is just a dead end road when dealing with this ****. not sure what to do. just wanted to vent. thanks