Originally Posted by godsonmyside
We have regained good physical health many times, only to lose it by using again. Our track record shows that it is impossible for us to use successfully. No matter how well we may appear to be in control, using drugs always brings us to our knees.
Many years ago, before I understood what addiction was, I was forever trying to use 'just the right amount' so that I wouldn't have to deal with the severe consequences of my consumption. It never worked. It only seemed to, at times, when I stopped for awhile to get myself 'in control' again.
I remember my Mom used to come to the city where I lived and get me a cheap motel room where she would mostly stay with me while I was going through my withdrawal. She actually had another nicer hotel room that she stayed in when I had my calm times but, of course, could not take me there.
I used to beg her for money so I could get something to take the pain away, but while I was going through withdrawal, she always refused. She would bring me food and vitamins and juices and buy me new clothes and shoes if I needed them, but never would she give me money until............and this is the bizzarre part that we both believed...........I was able to walk back into my 'real' life with the promise that I would behave and not let myself get this way again. When she was convinced and tired and wanted to go back home, and felt the need to prove that she loved me or trusted me or something, she would write me out a cheque for a substantial amount of money, kiss me on the forehead and say goodbye. I'm sure that you know the continuing story but I had myself convinced, at the time, that I could stop getting so out of control. All I had to do was to pay attention to what I was doing, where I was going, and the people I was hanging out with. I thought I would be able to control my consumption just because I knew the difference.
Of course I never could because as soon as I took the first one, I had automatically set myself up for the unknown. It often took awhile for me to get to the point where I would have to call my Mom again, but this cycle continued for about 5 years until I moved back home and slowed down my using without the heavier drugs. I never got as sick as before, but I was still brought to my knees time and again. No one had ever heard of detox and treatment centers in my family (or maybe they did but were just in denial!) so it took lots more punishment for me to be able to realize that I might have a problem and begin to seek help.
Eventually, I found the rooms of recovery and after a time I realized that if anyone was an addict, it surely was me.
Peace
cj